SOME SAY I have bad luck. And when I say have it's not the way one has a hat on top of their head, or the way one has a nickel in their pocket. I have it he way one has talent, or sympathy, as a part of my very self, just like my Sonoran accent, mixed with the nerdy, douchebag accent of a guy who listens Opera music and eats tofu with mushroom sauce while in his house in the slums of Mexico his family eats carne asada in the patio.
Others say that not only I have bad luck: they take it up a notch and avoid me, so they are not crushed to death by an elephant engulfed in flames, casually falling from the sky, or as for their genitalia not to spontaneously, miserably wither and fall off.
This is why two persons have already blamed me for the influenza virus that this weekend took Mexico by surprise. The thing is, the day I arrived in Mexico for my monthly visit to my parents in Hermosillo was exactly the same day when the shit hit the fan, and the news started spreading their sqwauking and fear-mongering day and night, assuring our asses that we were going to be oh so very very dead, all of us and very soon.
Being rational, I don't think I caused the influenza, simply because I'm not literally a pig, and more importantly, because I don't have any kind of cold-like illnes yet.But if I just said that I believe in bad luck, that pretty much means that I am not a very rational guy.
But, you know? I prefer to say: "I, Carlos Mal, hereby declare that I am responsible for the epidemic" than to start listening to the conspiracy theories. Because all of us start looking for a scapegoat. Let's debunk this pile of bullshit:
Theory 1: Novus Ordo Seculorum: The fucking gringos created the mutant strain in a laboratory and they will release it on the poorest countries as if it was a rabid pitbull made of poison.No. Why bother. What's in it for them. Mexico is not the poorest country in Latin America. It is in fact the second richest just after Brazil. If they wanted to fuck up the poorest, there they have Haiti, where some have had to resort to eating mud.
Theory 2: Panis et circenses: The Government of Mexico released the virus in order to distract us from all the bad things that are happening.Narcos don't give a flying dick if today's Abad's birthday: yesterday three men were executed in Sonora. Yes, indeed it is possible that the hitmen had surgical masks on, just as a precaution. It is true that the media has ignored these three murders because they're too busy trying to scare us with the fact that the virus will fuck us in the ass. But no, oooooh, no: to say that Mexicans require something so elaborate and serious in order to be distracted is to overestimate our intelligence: we Mexicas are distracted simply by our favorite team's football match, Galilea Montijo spewing idiocy all around, "la guerra de chistes" and the showbiz gossip. We are very easy to tame.
Theory 3: Lacrimosa dies illa: The virus will bring forth the Zombie Apocalypse.No. The world is not that cool. Supernatural catastrophes will never happen. The world is sad and bitter and its catastrophes are real and close, and sad, and when they happen we're not allowed to run around wielding twin katanas and to anally and savagely copulate with big-breasted heroins whom we save with our heroic, able, muscular arms.
Furthermore, we all know that Z-Day will be caused (if ever) by nanotechnology, not by a virus.
Theory 4: Dies Irae: The influenza virus is a punishment from God because Mexico city is a cesspool of evil (translation: God is finally killing all those fucking guacho shitfaces).
No. God is not an agent of punishment. Your parents are. This pissed-off, psycho God exists solely in the pages of the Old Testament, which is already way too obsolete after the Jesus Christ upgrade. If you're Christian, the idea of a pissed-off Yahweh sending hurricanes, reggaeton singers, and virus into our world shouldn't fit in your faith. If you're an atheist what the hell are you doing in this paragraph, skip to the next.The people of Mexico City aren't that bad, and even though they have a horrible accent (they speak like if everything was a question), and even though they tend to be real small and ugly compared to the many Brad Pitts and George Clooneys that we have here in Northern Mexico, they're only guilty of having more stuff than we have, better weather, more dynamic urban settlings, better gastronomy, art, culture, better libraries, an identity and history.
This is why we hate them: because we are a bunch of hillbilly pissed-off closet racists who vote Bours and whine because we were abandoned by the Jesuits in the middle of the fucking desert. That's why we're so happy they're all dying like miserable, soulless rats. We are so grand and bad-ass here in the North. Long live the North, motherfuckers!
Sadly, a 99% of the conspiracy theories are dead wrong (see Holocaust deniers). Occam's Razor pretty much cuts through their bellies and leaves then all gutted on the floor asking for a priest in the middle of their blood-soaked death rattles. Personally, I love to belive in conspiracy theories and when someone talks about them I like to add some wood to the fire and I bring forth even more paranoid, nonsensical data. UFOs, the assassination of JFK, the staging and filming of the moon landing by Stanley Kubrick, etcetera.
But well, things are sadder than this. The Twin Towers were destroyed by Al-Qaeda, not by Bush. The Amero doesn't exist and never will. The Government will never stick a secret microchip up our asses. What fell on the dunes of Roswell was indeed a measly weather balloon. The Chupacabra doesn't exist. Bigfoot doesn't exist. Nessie doesn't exist. Canada doesn't exist.
The truth is out there. And it's very boring.
Nonetheless, Salinas did kill Colosio, that is not a theory, it is an open secret.


















