MY PROVERBS OF HELL

THE VOICE OF THE DEVIL

Scary thoughts: A tattooist apprentice. The surgeon's first operation ever.

A MEMORABLE FANCY:

What if Jesus had a song released and we don't like it that much? Would we lie to Him and ourselves and consider it the best song ever? I think we would.

A MEMORABLE FANCY:

A single guy will receive a visit from his mother. He fears she will find his expensive, ultra-realistic latex sex doll, but he doesn't want to get rid of it. So he buries it in his backyard.

Does he feel like a murderer? And when he digs it up... is that like fucking a zombie? I think part of his soul would have died at this point.

A MEMORABLE FANCY / THE VOICE OF SATAN:

A circus acrobat, famous for his amazing feats on a tightrope high in the air goes shopping. He trips on the sidewalk and falls on his knees with his grocery bags tightly pressed against his sides.

He weeps. He weeps and cries like never before.

☞ Leer en español

FAREWELL, TUCSON: LOSING TOUCH WITH REALITY

Living in the prison that is Tucson is very peculiar to me. After finishing my PhD classes I saw myself in the position of not having to spend any time with anyone at all. My classmates kept on with their lives and, by my own request, I was assigned to teach the evening and night classes.

After a few months I noticed I could come and go in the building I work without being noticed. Everybody else had normal hours of work, they saw each other in hallways, offices and around the building. But nobody ever saw me because when their day ended mine just started.

Let me give a piece of advice, fellows: Living in Tucson without a car is unconceivable. The streets are built for cars, not for people. "But Carlos, dude, you could have bought a car, couldn't you?" Don't get me started. Paying insurance for a piece of shit car or being charged 200 dollars for brake repair doesn't really suit my style.

Not having a car and not being in touch with the world outside my students, has limited my social life to my wife's phone calls and the three days each month I spend in Hermosillo, where I limit myself to one night out with my old friends and some time with my family. In Tucson I do nothing.

My students, on the other hand, are strange territory. I never go out or make friends with them. In the first place because I think it is the healthiest way to conduct my professional life, and secondly because I think it's becoming increasingly difficult for people to empathize with me and for me to empathize with people.

Yesterday, the store clerk of the place I go buy my cigarettes asked me if I was forgetting something. "Milk? Eggs? Alcohol, perhaps?" When I told him that I don't drink alcohol he paused for a second and asked me if it was something religious.

Because, of course, one has to be a Mormon or a Muslim not to drink alcohol. That's how people have fun, don't they?

So, why is it that I don't have fun like that and why am I not like "the people"?

I wouldn't like to be called a teetotaller, much less straight edge. I more of a guy who doesn't get it. I do understand the passion for drinking, because I smoke tobacco, and I too look for excuses so I can smoke and I spend money that I could use in something useful instead and so on. I do get that. what I don't understand is that I see that my world spins and orbits around beers. And I find this sad and vulgar.

some of my acquaintances go to parties here and there, every weekend. In fact it kinda sounds cool, a gathering of friends, everybody happy to see each other, the music is nice and so on. Imagine my excitement when I was invited to my first non-kiddie party: it was the birthday party of some popular girl in my classroom. I was in second grade of secondary school. I was eleven.

Of course, nobody was drinking, but it was painfully evident that everything going on at that party was a pantomime of an adult party. The music was regional and "grown-up". We were all competing against the very loud speakers in order to be able to maintain a conversation.

Probably a lot of us wished we were a few years younger so we could start playing instead of being painfully trying to perform our role as pre-adults.

A lot of time had to pass for me to go to a party again. this time it was in preparatory school, second semester. I was 14. People were drinking now; in fact I had to baby-sit a drunken friend. There were more parties. I got bored every time. why do people dance to the rhytm of music they don't like? Why do they get so excited when they hear the word "party" if when they're at it I notice they're just as bored as I am, sitting on a corner, unable to talk?

I know why. It is called alcoholism.

We all know that the first thing an alcoholic does is deny that they're alcoholics. Since our youths we're spoon-fed with the notion that parties are fun and that we can find beer at parties. Little by little parties become something secondary. what "the people" want is to drink with someone, because there's nothing sadder that a guy who buys some beers and drinks them by himself in front of the TV.

Another thing that intrigues me is the ambition of getting drunk. "Let's get shitfaced!" "Let's get hammered". I am addicted to nicotine but I don't find the idea of intoxication alluring at all. I will never tell a friend: "Dude, let's smoke our asses off until we both get nosebleeds".

Let me be clear: this is not an apology of cigarettes. I know they're bad and dangerous; I'm not stupid, I'm just addicted, and pleasure is the boss. Considering this one could say "If pleasure is the boss, so that's why we alcoholics do what we do, asshole!" yes, it's true, that's what I assume. But I do not understand why they're not being honest with themselves.

Why do they need to wrap the compulsion for drinking with complicated social rituals? Why is it that drinking has to be taken to the extreme all the time? Imagine a world where beer is served with the food, with the family. Oh yeah, that was the original idea of beer. It was like wine. But invented by regions in the world without a great deal of grapes. In that case I would drink it too. well, to be honest I wouldn't. Beer tastes like earwax combined with grass.

If you have read my long diatribe you' probably noticed that I sound like an old man: I complain about the loud music and those damn teenagers having fun at their parties. What the fuck? Am I 90 goddamn years old? No, I don't, but I just don't get it. I mean it, I just can't. Not a single one of you guys.

I'm not coming to your parties unless you have a karaoke machine with cool songs. Or unless I really love you; I'd make the effort, I'd compromise. Or if I want something from you; yes, I'll go to your party if there was something I wanted from you. If you have seen me at one of your parties after 1997 that means I really really cared about you. Or you had a cool karaoke machine.

In the Spring of 2010, if everything goes according to the plan I will be in París, where the young people also are an enigma to me. They go to clubs in order to meet people and dance, when I prefer to meet people (not really) in calm places where one can talk about interesting or funny things instead of dancing like electrocuted orangutans.

It is 2009. I'm 29 years old, and I have lost touch with you and with the world. this doesn't make me better than you. This makes me different; actually it probably makes me a little worse than you as a person. But I don't give a shit. I only want to curl into a ball under the sheets with my wife and perhaps the cat, jealous of me in the other side of the bed.

And all of you can go to Hell.

☞ Read in English

"WHY ARE ALL TERRORISTS ARABS?": DEBUNKING AN IDIOTIC EMAIL CHAIN LETTER

Let us start this new series of discrediting idiotic emails with a humble petition: DO NOT SEND ME EMAIL CHAIN LETTERS.

I see email as some sort of telephone. Sometimes I write a friend to say hello, or I write an enmail to my wife telling her that I'm going to be at a meeting and I'll arrive a littel late. See? Just like a goddamn phone.

It never happened to me that someone calls my house phone and says to me: "Carlos Mal, did you know that the Virgin Mary is going to grant you a wish if you call fifteen people right after this call? And I'm glad it doesn't happen.

But in emails it does happen. Why it happens is beyond my understanding. Not long ago I received a very sad email chain letter, it was about a little girl who had allegedly been badly burnt during the ABC Daycare incident in Hermosillo, Mexico, my hometown. But when I saw the "FW:" on the email's subject I thought: "Fuck you and multi-fuck you, asshole who started this chain...!" Why? because the sole fact of this being a chain letter made me suspect —nay— realize, that the message was bullshit.

The terrifying photograph of the injured little girl was actually that of a Polish girl who had been in an accident on 2005. I don't know what in the World of Reptiles this person wanted to get out of this by saying that the girl was from my hometown.

Let's go over one that, while it isn't technically a chain letter (it doesn't demand you to send it to anyone) , a lot of people think is funny and distribute it widely amongst their "friends". Here's a complete transscription of the chain letter (the original is in Spanish):

¿Why are the terrorists Arabs?

Have you wondered why all terrorists are Arabs and why they're willing to commit suicide for the sake of their convictions?

Well, let's analize this:

1- Whores do not exist there.

2- It's forbidden to drink alcochol.

3- Bars are forbidden.

4- Television is forbidden.

5- Internet is forbidden.

6- Sports, stadiums, parties, etc. are forbidden.

7- Honking horns is forbidden.

8- Eating pork is forbidden.

9- There's sand everywhere, they don't even have quad bikes to have fun with.

10- Have you ever tried fishing in an oasis?

13- Bedsheets instead of clothing.

14- They eat only with their right hand because they wipe their asses with their left hand (as if life needed to be more complicated).

15- Screams of agony because your neighbor is sick and there are no doctors to assist him.

16- They cannot shave.

17- They cannot shower.

18- Foreign music is forbidden.

19- Radio is forbidden.

20- Their barbecues consist of donkey meat cooked over camel shit.

21- Women have to use dresses that look like bags and they use veils all the time.

22- They never see tits! Not even by chance!

23- Your wife is chosen for you by another guy.

24- Your wife is kept wrapped for so long that after six months you realize she has a beard!

So, suddenly someone tells you in a very convincing manner that once you die you will go to Paradise and you will have everything you ever wanted and everything you didn't have in life....

Now tell me, and be honest...

Wouldn't you strap a bomb to your fucking balls?

And here's where we're supposed to burst into laughter.

There's a curious problem when talking about Arabs. Arabs are not only the people of Saudi Arabia (they're Saudis, for clarity), but all of those who belong to the many cultures that speak the Arabic languages. Nevertheless, this text seems to describe those who, functioning as terrorists, are willing to "commit suicide for their convictions". Even if the phenomenon of suicide attacks is not exclusively the deed of Muslims or Arabs (do the kamikaze ring a bell, gringos?) the rest of the points indicates that the author of this "joke" is refering to Muslim Arabs. Let's see if he's right.

1. "Whores do not exist there"

They do exist there. And everywhere. To believe that is like to say that because marijuana is illegal in Mexico there's no marijuana there. Saudi Arabia has one of the biggest and more complex networks of  human trafficking in the world.

2. "It's forbidden to drink alcohol"

This is true. But what's also true is that not every single Muslim follows the Qur'an to the letter. The normal progression of culture has caused that, in general, the people of the Muslim World  so drink little to no alcohol at all, but this doesn't mean that the drinking of alcohol is absolutely non-existant. People in Turkey soemtimes drink (although Turks are not Arabs, because they speak Turkish and they're a very unique and complex country, even considering that practically everyone there is Mulsim).

3. "Bars are forbidden"

This is an extension of the previous item. If a bar is a place where alcohol is served, is not that they're forbidden, it's just that they don't need to exist to begin with. But if a bar is a business where one goes to drink something else (a cup of coffee, tea, etc.) or to smoke, then yes they do have bars.

4. "Television is forbidden"

This is ridiculous. The Taliban regime banned television for a while in Afghanistan (a country with a majority of Mulsims), but sorry, idiot author of this joke, Afghanistan is not an Arab country. Another country that banned TV was Papua New Guinea, where they have around 2'000 Muslims only and it's really far away from the Middle East. We have to take this fact into account here: there are more satellite channels in Arabic than in Spanish. Take that, bitch!

5. "The Internet is forbidden"

Puuuhlease. Arabs, Muslims and Muslim Arabs use the Internet all the time. it is true that there is censorship, but not unlike the censorship in China, Cuba and Iran (again, not an Arab country). If the Internet is forbidden then where the fuck did the ten visits that this blog has received from the Middle East originated? ¿From goddamn ghost laptops? I don't fucking think so. (Two of the visitas came from Saudi Arabia, and I didn't include the Arab countries in Northern Africa).

6. "Sports, stadia, parties, etc. are forbidden"

Come on, people, don't you remember Saudi Arabia's soccer team in the eighties? Other Middle Eastern countries (some Arabs, some not) with official soccer teams are: Iraq, Bahrain, Jordan, Kuwait, Lebanon, Oman, Palestine, Qatar, Syria and Yemen. Where do you think they play, in swimming pools? Fucking of course, they play in a stadium, idiot!

By the way, this is the design for the future "Sports City" in Riyadh, the capital of Saudi Arabia.

7. "Honking horns is forbidden"

Okay, this point I find very, very mysterious. Does the author of the chain letter refer to honking the horn of a car when women pass by? I pass. It's a good thing they can't do this, in case they can't.

8. "Eating pork is forbidden"

This is true. For those Arabs who are Muslims. For the many Arabs who are Christians it is not, even if they normally don't eat pork, simply because the pork industry does not exist in their regions. They're not missing out, in my humble opinion.

9. "There's sand everywhere and they don't even have quad bikes to have fun with"

Mmmmh... Let's see...

Sand everywhere? This is Kabul, Afghanistan, where they don't speak Arabic, but I suppose that it's a country that comes to mind when terrorism is mentioned...

Sand everywhere? This is Dubai, in the United Arab Emirates:

Yeah, there is probably not one quad bike to be found there.

10- "Have you ever tried fishing in an oasis?"

I don't see how fishing is so great. Even though, there's a lot of fishing in the Arab World: Morocco, an Arab country, has more fish than Argentina, the UK and France. In your face, bitch.

(Note: I have no idea why the author omitted items number 11 and 12.)

13. "Bedsheets instead of clothing"

This most probably refers to the infamous burqa. There are many variation in clothing throughout the Arab nations. Some of they actually obey very strict religious and social codes, but in other countries there are many other reasons for the specific clthes they use. Too many to cover here. By the way, the burqa was mandatory ofr women under the Taliban regime. Today it is optional for most of the regions in the country.

This is the burqa:

But women in Afghanistan normally look like those in the following photo. They don't look like they're wearing bedsheets, do they? Unless you're fucking crazy and cover yourself with scarves at night.

14. "They eat only with their right hand because they wipe their asses with their left hand (as if life needed to be more complicated)"

This is true, the Qur'an suggests the proper use of each hand, but, again, this is followed only by observant Muslims. When I was a fencer I had to shake hands with my left hand, because I had my sword in the other one. I never found it complicated, you lazy motherfucker.

15. "Screams of agony because your neighbor is sick and there are no doctors to assist him"

Allegedly, Kuwait has an excellent health care system, and so does Jordan, Saudi Arabia and the UAE. Afghanistan certainly suffers of a scarcity of doctors and hospitals since the Russian invasion., the Taliban takeover and the USA invasion; but I reiterate: Afghans are not Arabs.

16. "They cannot shave"

 No? All these dudes are Arabs. Okay, the third one is Iranian, but he's from "one of those terrorist countries":

It's true that it is considered sunnah (cool in the eyes of Allah) to grow a mustache and beard, but it is not mandatory. Furthermore, devout Muslims shave or trim their pubic hair (sometimes even their armpits) every forty days in order to keep good hygiene.

17. "They cannot shower"

This makes no damn sense. Why wouldn't they shower? The author must think that all the Arabs live in the middle of the desert. Please refer to the photos of Dubai and Kabul in item number nine.

18. "Foreign music is forbidden"

Even if popular music is censored in many Middle Eastern countries (which is not the same as 'Arab countries', I insist), this is not true in all of these countries, and local, national and international pop, rock and other genres are regularly and normally heard everywhere. In the nineties Egypt banned Heavy Metal music because they considered it "Satanic". But this is not bad: this is absolutely BRUTAL, yeaaaah!!!

19. "Radio is forbidden"

Another ludicrous statement. Even terrorists benefit from radio. There are thousands of radio stations with music of all genres, from traditional to pop, rock y hip-hop.

20. "Their barbecues consist of donkey meat cooked over camel shit"

Triple-fuck, no. Arab gastronomy is one of the most delicate, healthy and delicious in the world.. Just take a look at this beauty:

By the way, if there's still some doubt, the Qur'an says that eating donkey meat is forbidden.

21. "Women have to use dresses that look like bags and they use veils all the time."

What? Again? go back to item number 13...

22. "They never see tits! Not even by chance!"

Oh I think they do. Arabs fuck too, don't they? And they don't do it through a hole in a blanket. Let's compare. A Muslim is allowed to watch straight porn as long as the woman is not Muslim (which is not too hard, since there aren't a lot of Muslim pornstars out there); on the other hand, a Catholic  incurs in sin when he watches porn of any kind: "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (Matthew 5, 28).

23. "Your wife is chosen for you by another guy"

NO. For Sunni and Shi'ite Muslims mutual consent is needed for marriage. Marriages can be arranged at childhood, but the wedding will happen once both consorts are fit for sexual intercourse and even then mutual consent is needed. Recently an eight year-old girl from Yemen divorced her 50 year-old husband arguing that her right of consent was violated.

24. "Your wife is kept wrapped for so long that after six months you realize she has a beard"

Once again, go back to item 13. Furthermore, the Qur'an recommends that women remove the hair from their upper lip and cheeks, legs and pubis, specially if this is for pleasing their husband..

The Lebanese singer Wehbe, one of those

"bearded Arabs who use bedsheets as clothing".

TOP 50+: THE BEST SONGS OF THE AUGHTS (ACCORDING TO CARLOS MAL)

The 21st century began in 2001, but the decade began in January of 2000. As many probably will have thought before, it is a pain in the neck to decide how we are going to call this fading decade that goes away, and I had the same problem at the time of planning this list. How to call it? Music of the two-thousands? Of the aughts? Of the 2Ks?

My final decision, “music of the aughts” is a term that is commonly used in English, andd one I hope catches on, because it reminds me of a Tom Waits song.

This list is divided in years and it extends from 2000 to 2008. All the music is available for free download, and also I add a link to its YouTube video.

Also there is a top three in the end with the songs that I consider the three best ones of the decade, independently of the year of their release.

Enjoy the music.



5. The Pillows - Little Busters: In this list there is a lot of Japanese music that, before passing through the filter of my tastes, passed through those of Japanese businessmen who decided to use them for their products, anime and videogames. "Little Busters" is part of the soundtrack for the animated series FLCL, and it is J-Rock in all its glory. (Video).

4. Kid Rock - American Badass: In this piece, flooded by testosterone, our chubby, beloved Kid Rock gives us a lesson about what bands it is necessary for us to listen to in order to be massive like him. A song on music? Meta-song? Of course; welcome to the list, KR. (Video).

3. Brigh Eyes - Something Vague: Readers, you have no idea of how many Bright Eyes songs I removed from the list. Had I not restrain myself this list would have been a festival of Nick Cave, Jenny Lewis and Bright Eyes songs. So you can trust me, this song survived the purge because of something: it is amazing. (Video).

2. Between Angels and Insects: “There's no money, there's no possessions, only obsession, I don't need that shit”. A hymn to spiritual awakening and the blossoming of cockroaches. (Video).

1. Johnny Cash - I See a Darkness: What is better than Johnny Cash? Easy: old-age Johnny Cash. In this, one of his last recordings he interprets a tenebrous song of friendship; a friendship that, although warm and nostalgic, cannot overcome a wall of shadows that surrounds us all as a layer of the dark tar of Hell. (Video).

EXTRA: Ute Lemper - Little Water Song: What sweet words would you sing to your lover while he holds you by the throat at the bottom of a bathtub? No longer it is a mystery thanks to this disquieting and sweet ballad written by Nick Cave and interpreted by the German siren Ute Lemper. (Video).



5. Whiskeytown - The Ballad of Carol Lynn: Bitter love songs are the best. More when they're sung by Ryan Adams and the sincerity of his simultaneously torn and youthful voice. Alt country had an enjoyable success in this decade.

4. Carbon Leaf - Desperation Song: Did you know that I love Irish folk and Celtic songs? Sometimes I thought: “Desperation Song” is a round, perfect song. It is not my favorite song of all time, but it is perfect. (Video).

3. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Love Letter: Nick Cave, who shouldn't be absent in a music list by me, is so proficient in writing and singing love songs that he has written essays and has given lectures on the subject in several universities. This is a true fact. And this ballad in piano is the perfect example of his craft. (Video).

2. Tenacious D - Tribute: We know Jack Black as the comedic actor (Nacho Libre, Tropic Thunder…), but at the beginning of the century he and Kyle Gass surprised us with their comedy-rock band Tenacious D. This song is about the already classic motif of the musical duel against the Devil, and it's also about the Greatest Song of the World ("Stairway to Heaven" perhaps?. (Video).

1. System of a Down - Toxicity: Surprise, bitches! Who was going to imagine that a band with so unique a sound was going to appear out of the blue! SOAD blew the fuck out of my brains because I didn't know that such band was possible. And Toxicity has the best drums I have listened in long time. (Video).

EXTRA: Cherish The Ladies - The Queen of Connemara: Erasmo recommended this song to me and it won me over. The song, not Erasmo. The original version is way way older than 2000, but it is an exquisite Irish ballad that evokes peace and peaceful landscapes next to the sea. Über gay and über good.



5. Sophie Ellis Bextor - Murder On The Dance Floor: Sophie Ellis Bextor is not only a total babe, she also has the power to make us dance like poisoned monkeys on fire. (Video).

4. Bright Eyes - Bowl of Oranges: This band, that could well have had more than ten appearances in this list, gives us with “Bowl of to us Oranges” an energizing song from a band more famous for causing us utter depression. (Video).

3. Eminem - Stan: Dido and Eminem team up to tell us to a chilling story about how fucked up it is to be famous and to have millions of psychopathic fans. Apparently the nineties' tradition of complaining about the evils of the fame survived and continues in the aughts with songs as “Rock Superstar” by Cypress Hill and “Lucky” by Britney Spears, among others. (Video).

2. Audioslave - Cochise: The video for this song has a preliminary advice: “PLAY LOUD”. They're right. You should play it loud. "Cochise" is a perfect piece of evidence that indicates that rock is still alive. Killer guitars and the emotive, screeching voice of Chris Cornell in a non-stop flow of good noise. Right on. (Video).

1. Electric Six - Danger! (High Voltage): One of the catchiest, gayest songs of the decade. The song is actually a dialogue of passion and lust, and an excellent song to burn down the dance club with your dance moves, in flames. (Video).

EXTRA: Voltaire - The Vampire Club: This dark singer is famous between chubby, virginal goths, but in fact he's a guy born in the anything-but-gothic beaches of Cuba. But this doesn't really matter, because “The Vampire Club” is not “goth guaguancó” nor anything of the sort; it is a humorous song to the sound of violins and the honey-coloured voice of Voltaire, haranguing to lamentable nerds who believe that they're vampires. (Video).

Caution: Do you remember which was the most awesome year of the nineties? Yes, you do remember: it was 1999. The best songs and bands of the decade appeared that year. Well, then 2003 is the 1999 of the aughts. In 2003 a great deal of very good songs came out, including the coolest song of the decade. I had to remove a lot of songs from 2003 from this list. For 2007, in the other hand, I had to look very hard for songs that were not by Nick Cave; he would have filled the entire list.

5. The Distillers - Drain the Blood: The curvaceous Brody Dalle rocks as if her plump, soft lips, her mesmerising hips and her protuberances were made of pure rock and roll. Superior to and worthy successor of Courtney Love (in fact they practically have the same voice). (Video).

5. (Draw) Korn - Y'all Want a Single: Say bordel. Bordel, bordel. Although there is a part of the song that could be sung by the Backstreet Boys, the song keeps being a rockeable event. With this single Korn demonstrated two things, that it can keep on rocking and that they love to send mixed messages to their fans. (Video).

4. Calexico - Sunken Waltz: Alt. country kept on sweeping this year, but this ballad is difficult to classify. We say that it is like the dream of a cattle tender in Macondo or something of the sort. The lyrics are almost alchemical and the music is sweet and amiable. The end is unexpectedly strange and it can fill us full of an absurd nostalgia that we cannot start to understand. (Video).

3. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl?: “Big black boots… long Brown to hair… you're so sweet with your… GET-BACK STARE!” And dammit, the noise begins; dirty music and to the point, for this brevity and sincerity is necessary sometimes. A great one-hit-wonder. (Video).

2. Panjabi MC - Mundian to Bach Ke: Do you remember this song that was ultra-cool but that we listened so many times that we wore it out? Well, let's see if you miss it and you download it just to remember how sweet it was. (Video).

1. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps: This is a deep declaration of nostalgia. A triumph for the love songs that do not need piano nor to be sung under the candles with a calm voice. (Video).

EXTRA: Ozone - Dragostea din tei: This song became famous as a joke, as well as I was trained as a joke in the cooking arts by douchebag chefs in Paris. But it has its merits, it is not absolutely bad. Although it is a viral phenomenon is not totally weak as others hits of its nature. (Video).



5. Cynthia Harrell - Snake Eater: From 2004 I present you with two songs from videogames. Perhaps it was this year when videogames started to gain the prevalence that they enjoy today in popular culture. Guitar Hero had to come out and consolidate that hegemony completely. “Snake Eater” is part of the Original Soundratck for Metal Gear Solid 3 and is a romantic ballad in the style of the songs for the James Bond movies. Excellent, even if one of lines says “some days you feed on a tree frog”. (Video).

4. Katamari Damacy - ケ・セラ・セラ (Que Sera Sera): Swing and Sinatra style suaveness revive for another videogame song. Katamari Damacy is, to me, the best videogame of the decade, and one of the best games of all time. Of all time. And great part of this distinction must be owed to the excellent soundtrack that can be heard during the game. Here I offer you one of the best. (Video).

3. Old 97's - Won't Be Home: A bitter song of unrequited love takes us to the desolated highways of Southwest deserts, with the country attitude and the modern instrumentalization of Old 97's, one of my favorite bands ever. (Video).

2. Interpol - Evil: I have already written about this song somewhere in this blog. It is terrible, it scares the living crap out of me and I prefer not to watch the video at night. Thanks to “Evil” I discovered the artist and photographer Charlie White, a genius. (Video).

1. Dropkick Murphys - Tessie: Dayum! Irish-Americans singing in group in support of the Boston Red Sox with electrical guitars, bagpipes and drums? Where do I sign? “Tessie” is so good that it has been sung by the gringos since the beginning of the 20th century, or earlier. So good that twice this song alone has been credited with the Red Sox "World" Series victory. And the energy does feel flowing. (Video).

EXTRA: Blanche - Superstition: A ghostly song that takes us to the beginning of the last century, to marshy lands and inhospitable places full of pale and shy people. Peculiarly once I dreamed that I was in prison and I danced to this song with the interns in a wonderful choreography. (Video).




5. Sairin: Katayoku no Tenshi (Advent: One-Winged Angel):An orchestra? Baroque choirs? An apocalyptic subject sung by stylish, Japanese voices in Japo-Latin for a film based on a great videogame? Oh fuck yes, mother of God, give me two to go, please. (Video).

4. Caesars (Palace) - My Heart is Breaking Down: Part of the aughts' retro revival, the most important musical movement of the decade. A perfect example, this song sounds like the evil twin, the complete opposite of the tragic songs of Smashing Pumpkins, even when the subject is pretty much the same. (Video).

3. The Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict a Riot: First Caesars and now Kaisers? Send in the Czars, then, so we can have the whole etymological family… “I predict a Riot” constitutes more shenanigans indie, of the same style of the song in the fourth place. 2005 was indeed a year for retro revival bands. (Video).

2. Junior Senior - Can I Get Get Get: Junior Senior was an optimistic band with very danceable music. To listen to this song and not to dance in a very gay way is virtually impossible. (Video).

1. Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins - Born Secular: For me this is the best song of the decade, period. Lyrics: five stars. Feeling: five stars. Drums ad libitum at the end of the song with an extended choir: five stars and a half, if that's even possible. (Video)

EXTRA: Maximum The Hormone - Rokkinpo Goroshi: This band is famous for playing opening and ending songs to the anime series Death Note. Rokkinpo Goroshi is not their most popular song, but, to me, it's the best one. (Video).




5. The Veils - Advice for Young Mothers To Be: Who the hell are these guys and why they are not famous? While Coldplay and the Jonas Brothers enjoy fame, fortune, cocaine and prostitutes deluxe The Veils must be satisfied with a position in this miserable blog. It seems that, indeed, God is very unfair. (Video).

4. Belle and Sebastian - Another Sunny Day: I read somewhere that in the same way rockstars demand branches of French flowers, water bottled in Polynesia, cocaine from the private reserve of Dick Cheney and blowjobs from supermodels, the members of Belle and Sebastian demand to have fresh puppies and vanilla ice cream before each concert. Their songs are like this attitude and I leave you here with this one, one of the most notable of the decade. (Video).

3. Cat Power - The Greatest: Cat Power gave us a pleasant surprise when she decided to reveal herself in 2006 with an album full of melodies destined to become classic. It was difficult to choose between her songs the one that I like the most, but here you are. By the way, Feist, with whom I mistake her, was almost in this list. More luck for the next one, Feist! (Video).

2. Dragonforce - Through the Fire and Flames: Shitfuck! When I listened to this song for the first time my soul had convulsions and I was transported to a magical kingdom where nerds and Heavy Metal goons coexist like brothers. This song is famous for being one of the hard ones on Guitar Hero, but even if it wasn't famous because of the videogame, it deserves to be in this humble pedestal. (Video).

1. Regina Spektor - Samson: A beautiful love song escapes the lips of the most gorgeous Russian in New York. The things her voice dares to do are so steep and sweet that they should be illegal and they are almost dirty. Well, Maybe not. Perhaps it's just my fantasies, because, well, after all, she's red.haired. My readers know that red-haired girls are one of my weaknesses. (Video).

EXTRA: Lordi - Hard Rock Hallelujah: Monsters on the stage! In this list there are two bands whose members put on costumes; one is Slipknot, the other is this Finnish band composed by a museum of horror. Lordi not only is flamboyant and monstrous, but the lead singer has a paradoxical voice: coarse and inexplicably uniform. This band was recommended by Otoniel, my brother. Well done, dude. (Video).



5. Elk City - Cherries in the Snow: Another case of fame badly distributed and another example of me liking bands with women singers. In "Cherries in the Snow" there's an element that guarantees that I'm going to like a song: bells. I bet that you didn't know that about me? (Video).

4. Frankie Valli - Beggin' (Pilooski Mix): Although Frankie Valli lies inert and full of worms in a dusty grave, a French DJ called Pilooski injected him with new life with this hit remix. The result is a great funk-zombie with a sound that comes from afar. Excellent editing. (Video).

3. Fall Out Boy - This ain't a Scene, it's an Arms Race: I couldn't imagine in a thousand years that I would like a Fall Out Boy song, when everything pointed to the fact that they symbolize everything that is bad with this decade (emo, reggaeton, reality TV and neo-cons), but apparently I was wrong. With this song they are redeemed at least in my ears. It is simply so powerful and brazen that I could not resist it. (Video).

2. Flight of the Conchords - If You're Into It: 2007 marks the year in which I met my wife. Also a change as far as my musical tastes began, as well as the search of new sounds. FOTC is a New Zealand humorous band that incarnates the tastes that in 2007 began to solidify and that today are dogma: geek is cool. They will appear again in this list; they're that good. (Video).

2. (Empate) Justice - D.A.N.C.E.: These French DJs gave us one of the most memorable dance danceable songs in memory. It seems that after the tenebrous hiatus of grunge in the nineties they gave us back the urge to move the body, and, as always, France delivers, bitches. Thanks, Justice. By the way, “Justice” is pronounced “joos-tees”, like in French. (Video).

1. M.I.A. - Paper Planes: What can I write about this song that cannot be found in other sites that list it between the three best of the decade? M.I.A is simply a genius of rhyme and rhythm. In addition, the choir of Paper Plans is the catchiest thing in the world, with a pistol being loaded, detonating and cash register opening, it the miracle of music as the evolution of rhythmical noises back from our hominid grandparents. (Video).

EXTRA: Porta - Dragon Ball Rap: Well, well, well, at last a song in Spanish in this un-Mexican list! And it is a song about a Japanese animated series, what's the matter with you, Carlos Mal? Fuck off. If you like or liked Dragon Ball or creative rap in Spanish don't forget to download this song. By the way I removed a few seconds at the end of the track where Mr. Porta thought he was being very artistic. You're welcome. (Video).



5. Slipknot - Psychosocial: It is possible that these guys, whom I don't like very much as human beings have earned a place in this list? Yes, and for a reason: they are my brother's favorite band, and year 2008 was when he and I created a super chingon nexus through music, drawing and humor, basically because he just started the wonder years of puberty and Slipknot was the vestibule towards the world of adults, not because they are really mature, but because they're simply not Nickelodeon material. (Video).

4. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Accidents Will Happen: It begins with a simple chord on an electric guitar and with a remembrance of the past. Little by little more guitars and drums invade the song, but they are sick and old. And it sounds great. Nick Cave is toughening on us, and with his last album he's kinda letting us know that we will have to wait a long time before we can hear sweet piano ballads from him again. (Video).

3. Flight of the Conchords - Ladies of the World: Ladies of the World suggests us to make love to all the women of the world to obtain world peace. For this funky and sensual notes are a must, as in the wet dreams of Mauricio Garcés. This is that proposal made reality. (Video).

2. Bullet for my Valentine - Scream Aim Fire: WHAOAOOOAOOAAHH! What the flying fuck just happened! Did somebody get the license plate of that fucking song that just run me over? No, no, seriously, guys. Moderation is needed when one tries to explain how bad-ass this song is. One of the few I like from this band, but defnitely the best gay-metal song around. (Video).

1. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!: It's easy. This song me made happy. Once again Nick Cave used his songs to tell stories of decadence and sin with Biblical references. Lazarus is revived and he gets lost in drugs and sex in San Francisco and New York, just to again in his own abjection. Monotonous music is perfect for a mainly narrative song. The best thing of this song is that in a single line it summarizes my spiritual position: “I don't know what it is but there is definitely something going on upstairs.” (Video).

EXTRA: Chad VanGaalen - Molten Light: One would say that the video of “Molten Light” was what captured me, but no, it also touches a subject that fascinates me and that is rarely treated in today's music: Revenge. In a surreal scenery created by the dream-like music of this singer-composer, a bloody revenge from the afterlife is carried out. Nice. (Video).

TOP 3: THE BEST SONGS OF THE DECADE

3. Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins - Born Secular (mentioned above).

2. M.I.A. - Paper Planes (mentioned above).

1. Outkast - Hey Ya.

Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, definitely the song that is going to define the decade is “Hey Ya” by Outkast, released in 2003, which confirms my theory that this year was the best one for music. We still have more year to go before bidding the aughts fucking adieu, but I seriously doubt that a song will dethrone "Hey Ya". And although we have listened to it so many times that we hate it now, think objectively: without a doubt “Hey Ya” defines the decade musically and that's it.

I should mention that I look exactly like one of the members of Outkast, André 3000:

The video is excellent as well.

I hope you enjoyed this list and that you've been transported to the happy places of these ten years that we have managed to survive together.

See you next time, mofos. Don't forget to visit my Image Stash. Oh, and add me on Facebook if you know me.

☞Read in Spanish

HIATO

Los que hayan tenido tiempo de checar blogs en esta nueva era de redes sociales, se habrán dado cuenta de que ando en un serio hiato. Todo comenzó con mi viaje a París, mi enseñanza de verano, mi cómic nuevo y la escritura de mi tesis.

Al parecer esto va para largo, así que de vez en cuando publicaré algunas de las cosas que tengo en el fondo de emergencia.

Paciencia, en 2010 (o incluso antes) esto volverá a todo motor.

☞Read in English

THE DEATH POEM OF MISHIMA

A small night storm blows
Saying ‘falling is the essence of a flower’.

Then those who hesitate arrived.

—Yukio Mishima

☞ Leer en español