In the previous entry of this simple and practical manual we met Carlos, the good citizen, prepared to survive the zombie apocalypse, and Mike, the pathetic pothead who cannot plan anything in his life because smoking weed provokes an unstoppable fascination with the shape of his own hands and he keeps staring at them for hours. Let's see how they manage and what we can learn from them on what we should do in case of Z-day happening any time soon.- Education on zombies
Mike didn't get his GED because he kept on failing his classes because he was lazy or because he was getting high as shit. Even when formal schooling is by no means a requisite in order to be an educated person, Mike decided to waste his time playing videogames, reading magazines about marijuana and having hollow conversations (about marijuana! WTF!) with his friends, so his head is full of myths. Most probably he will try to kill a zombie by putting a crucifix in front of him, the stupid fuckface.
At least the shitpiss knows how to improvise when he loses his pipe- Physique
Mike is much stronger than Carlos, muscle-wise, because Carlos invested his time preparin spiritually and intellectualy, so he couldn't devote his time to the cultivation of musculature. However, Mike has a beer-belly, something that not only makes him moreappealing to gut-hungry zombies, but also, reduces his mobility. Carlos substitutes his lack of muscles with a fat-free anatomy.
A zombie is not a very fast animal, for there's not enough oxygen in it for his muscles to work appropriately, so brute force and proficiency in martial arts are of no great use. Children, the elderly and people with a weak physique can virtually perform miracles with a good machete.
- Prevision
—Milk.
—Eggs.
—3 bottles of malt liquor.
—One six-pack of cheap beer.
—A pack of menthol marlboros.
—Call Doggie (his dealer).
—Big bag of funyuns.
—Small condoms.
—520 23574212 (the phone number of some lady friend of him, a meth addict who pretend to be his friend so she can smoke weed for free).
- Stayin' Alive
The incredibly dense Mike is listening to hs ipod with "Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the... FLOOOOOOOR!!!!" at full volume!
Results: Carlos faces the ravenous hordes of zombies with myrth and enthusiasm, because in his head sounds a kickass song, like Killing Joke's Invocation, while Mike es eaten alive because the mega-dickhead didn't hear the monsters approaching him. You're a dickfart, Mike.
- Reconstruction of civilization
If Mike survives, besides proving the good humor of God, he will be a despotic tyrantmoved by his instincts and his hedonism. He will want his will to be done, because in his drugged-up, misused, hole-ridden brain, social leaders are some sort of omnipotent kings, nor organizers nor servants of the communal good. You're not only an idiot, Mike: You're an asshole.
Sometimes, the good warrior of zombie warfare must know when a Mike is more dangerous than a poisonous saliva-covered zombie. Sometimes in a world without law, one less Mike will make the task of wiping the zombie scum off the face of Earth an easier one.
- Final advice
Read classic philosophy, eat well, make lists, talk to your dear ones about zombie scenarios, listen to Johnny Cash a lot and let that marijuana be.
Be a Carlos, not a chewed-up , bloody Mike, lying on the sidewalk with his liver hanging from his ribcage and a hole in his throat.
FIN
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